The Mother Load: The Name Game
June 10th, 2011 | 
Author: “I’m not old enough to be a mister,” our 30-year-old neighbour responded when I asked for his last name so I could introduce my then-three-year-old son to him as Mr. ____.
This despite him being a homeowner, holding down a well-paying, full-time job, and being in a serious, long-term relationship – all the hallmarks of grown-upness.
It’s a common response, I’ve been finding, when I probe for a last name from people so that my kids can address them by their title.
Doctors, dentists, ministers and professors have all insisted to us on more than one occasion, “no, really, call me (Joe).”
“No, really,” I’ll respond, “he can call you Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms.”
It’s not meant to be unfriendly, I’ll explain. It’s not meant to be insulting. It’s merely that you are an adult and my very small children are not, and that remove should really entail a degree of respect. If not for your benefit, then for theirs.
Don’t get me wrong. I love how people are coming down to kids’ levels more today than they were, say, 150 years ago when children were seen and not heard (and if they could avoid the being seen part too then so much the better).
But children are not on the same level as adults, and I think that it’s a disservice to them as well as to the adult to allow them to believe they are.
Keeping the title in front of a name is one small and easy way of reinforcing the idea that people bigger than you have some degree of authority.
A kid is more likely to stop running down the hall at school, say, if “Mrs. Jones” asks them than if “Melissa” does.
It’s been especially weird explaining this to close friends. Because they’re close, they assume, being on a first-name basis with my children is a no-brainer. But just like my kids’ best friends won’t by default become my best friends, my best friends are my best friends, and my kids can address them as Mr. and Mrs.
Once people get used to it, they don’t seem to really notice or mind anymore. At least not to my face.
But after four somewhat successful years of taking this approach, things are starting to get convoluted and even difficult.
For starters, my son, now four, is of an age where he’s starting to meet people without me by his side. He’s hardly going to insist they give him their last name as a moniker.
In addition, all the other kids in his circle call the grown-ups we know by their first name.
It makes for some confusing conversations with my kids and their friends.
Oliver: “Are you going to the barbeque at Mr. and Mrs. Smiths house?”
Friend: “No, we’re going over to Sam and Sarah’s for dinner.”
Sam and Sarah are the Smiths.
It also makes them stand out from the pack a bit. Sometimes that’s good, but in this case, I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it.
Especially when all the kids call me “Lori-Anne,” and I feel strange asking them to call me Mrs. Poirier when no one else around is Mr. or Mrs. anything.
I would love to be called Mrs. Poirier. It doesn’t make me feel old, or dowdy or unfamiliar or anything. It does make me feel a little bit like I have some credentials for adulthood. I had to work for four years to get the BA behind my name; it took many more than that before I got those three letters in front of it.
But I’m realizing now that our culture has changed to the point that Mr. and Mrs. and Miss and Ms. are falling out of fashion. Like platform shoes or leg warmers.
And so I have to ask myself if this is an issue I really want to battle. Of all the agendas out there, is this one I really want to get behind and push for? Despite how courteous, how well-mannered and how civilized the tradition is? Because I already know I won’t win – even if I have a measure of achievement in my own little sphere.
So I’m thinking of letting this one go.
I’d love to hear from you, though, and what you think about the passing away of formal names. Is it something worth hanging onto? Does it serve a purpose in our culture? Or is first-name basis the only way to go? Leave a comment with your thoughts and they may show up in a future column.
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The Mother Load is a mommy column by Pear Tree editor Lori-Anne Poirier that runs weekly on thecalgarybeacon.com and in The Penticton Herald’s Southern Exposure.
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- Words by By Lori-Anne
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I just had to mention that I asked the little boy (11 years old?) who im babysitting for the weekend, who teaches him in his sabbath school class and who his friend’s parents are. He must have wondered why I was asking him those questions but most of the names he mentioned began with Mrs. There was one lady who he refered to on a first name basis and when I asked him why, he said that some people call her Mrs_, but he likes to call her by her name. This wasn’t because he felt closer to her so perhaps he just doesn’t feel she earned the same respect. Another friends mother is a teacher and he explained that he calls her Mrs._ in public but when he’s at her house, she tells him to call her by her first name. It’s Interesting to get it from a child’s perspective.
This was an issue for my kids as well. Some adults respected what I was teaching my children but others insisted on being addressed by their first name. I would allow the first name use if it was insisted upon but otherwise enforced the title where I could. Many people were surprised to hear my little ones addressing them with respect and commented that they wish more children would use the formal terms. I can’t think of any children who called me Mrs. Philip. I have however been called Mrs. Liam’s mom.
We share the same sensibilities on this issue but, ultimately, it was not a hill I was willing to die on. I do find it unnerving when a child who is not close to me addresses me by my first name, however.
My kids had friends who called me Mrs. Young and other ones that called me Suzan. I always felt the ones who called me Mrs. Young were more well mannered and respectful. Except for one. She called me Mr.s Young but she was more like Eddie Haskell.